Today is the first of September and I'm taking it as an opportunity to reset. Here is a random assortment of things that are on my mind instead of a heavily polished research article.
August was a rough month for me, both personally and professionally. Up to this point, I haven't posted much about myself outside of the world of clothes, despite the fact that I started writing on Substack as an outlet to discuss my personal experience of learning how to dress as a bigger guy. So maybe we just start there.
I'm Chaz, 35, and living in Ohio. I've been interested in clothes and the impact that clothes have on a person's demeanor and confidence since about 2013. I lost 60 pounds in an unhealthy way in 2012 and began powerlifting, but these "successes" didn't solve my self-loathing the way I thought it might. Although, I'm sure much of that could also be attributed to a bad break-up and a horribly abusive grad school experience. I took the "fake it until you make it" approach in an attempt to be an attractive, put-together, and not-depressed person. I frequented Reddit, specifically r/malefashionadvice, and found that although all these men cropped their faces out when they posted fit-pics, they still looked so composed and confident. I wanted to be just like them. So I decided I would be.
And, long story short, it worked. For a while. When I left grad school in 2016, I moved across the country for work and, having lost my nearby gym, friends, and support system, gained that 60 pounds right back. For a while I refused to give up the nice clothes that I had spent money on as a poor grad student. Partly because of how significant those purchases were to me as a percentage of my grad school stipend, but also, and probably mainly, because I was in denial that I'd allowed myself to put all that weight back on and couldn't accept that I'd failed myself.
I was convinced I'd lose that weight back. I bought a pair of 3sixteen jeans in my old size and several shirts from Gustin that broke the bank. I knew once I received them in three to four months I'd be back to my Real Size and all would be well again. In 2019, I bought a pair of Pure Blue Japan jeans while in Tokyo. They were skin tight but I loved them. I never lost that weight. In fact, I gained an extra 40 pounds during COVID and haven't been back under 200 pounds since 2020. I only allowed myself to buy clothes from Target or J.Crew Factory in the meantime.
Something changed during my second trip to Japan in October 2025. I spent weeks leading up to the trip plotting out all the shops I wanted to check out. All of the slub and nep fabrics that have to be felt to be understood. And I finally allowed myself to buy something nice again. This time in my actual size.
Life lately has been a bit of a regression, in a sense. We got a puppy in June. He is the most adorable guy in the world, but if you've ever owned a puppy, you know the horror that entails. I've never had a puppy and I was woefully (mentally) unprepared. We've been sleeping on the couch every night for almost two months because if the puppy can't see us while he sleeps, he will wail the entire night. In addition to the lack of sleep and many 2am walks, I've been taking online classes two days a week. It ended up being a much more significant time investment than I anticipated and it's hard to get a moment of silence to focus on coursework with a puppy. Puppy, classes, 9-5 job, I'm in a gigging band, working out, maintaining friendships and my marriage, trying to maintain Substack and Instagram for a creative outlet (despite being beholden to no one I still feel an obligation and guilt when I don't publish on my desired schedule). It's too much. I've spread myself too thin.
There's light ahead though. The puppy is getting easier to manage, slowly but surely. My online class has finished and it's given me a new skill set and excitement for a potential career shift. I've had opportunities to talk to some of my favorite brands, offers for collaboration, and some big news coming this week regarding the Denim Fit Finder app I built.
So here I am, being vulnerable, determined again to see the bright side of things and get my life back in order. Here's some things that have been on my mind.
"Sonnets to Orpheus" Part 1, Sonnet 15 by Rainer Maria Rilke
I found this poem through Color: A Natural History of the Palette by Victoria Finlay while researching orange dyes for my most recent essay. (You can read the full sequence here, though it doesn't link directly to Sonnet 15.)
"Dance the orange," the German poet Rainer Maria Rilke had written, in a wonderful waltzing poem about a fruit and a colour that pretend to be sweet but are actually rather rambunctious and challenging. — Victoria Finlay
But it's more than that. It highlights the impermanence of life. The rind of the orange is bitter and protective but hides the real treasures within. The same way we hide our true selves behind our outer shells and don't allow ourselves to enjoy the nectar of life before it's too late. It encourages you to taste the sweet juice before the flavor has faded. It encourages you to feel the rain on your skin. No one else can feel it for you. Only you can let it in.
It also feels particularly relevant because I spend a lot of time in therapy talking about mindfulness and being present. Living in the moment, enjoying what you have, and accepting your life and circumstances for what they are instead of what they could have been. I recommend the Life Wisdom podcast on Spotify and the book Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn if you are looking to live a more mindful life.
Dance the orange.
Story mfg. R.T.S. Line
The R.T.S. line by Story mfg is more quiet and minimalist than their main line. It's "a collection of items naturally dyed with fruits, roots, bark, leaves and microorganisms, that lets the dye do all the talking. It's stripped back of almost everything but textured fabric and dye." It has all of the incredible hand-weaving and hand-dyeing you've come to expect from Story mfg., but a little less "weird" compared to the rest of their line. I love so many of the pieces in this line, but I especially loved the Greenhouse Shirt dyed with indigo and madder. So much that I ended up buying it. And then I canceled my order not 10 minutes later because I felt guilty about spending the money when we need to do some repairs at home. And then, 48 hours later, I bought it again. I'm wearing it right now. I apologize to the person navigating orders and shipping at Story mfg for who I am as a person.
Blackgaze
I forget sometimes how much I enjoy blackgaze. Mastodon is touring this fall with Alcest and Deafheaven and it sent me down a nostalgic rabbit hole. It's all I've been listening to this week. It's so melodic and heavy and the wall of sound soothes my ADHD brain. But I'm still mad that Oathbreaker dropped such a perfect album with Rheia in 2016 and just fell off the planet? Rude.
Graziano & Gutiérrez
This brand feels similar to Story mfg. to me in the sense that they are focused on highlighting cultural heritage. In this case, it's Mexican and mostly Oaxacan textile makers and dyers. I appreciate the dedication and authenticity, using things like Coyuchi, a naturally brown cotton native to Oaxaca, dyeing with cempōhualxōchitl (marigold), and the detail with which they document and highlight the local artisans as the pieces go through weaving and dyeing processes. I highlighted them and Story mfg. both in my article on yellow and orange dyes yesterday. I actually caught the pre-orders for this one, but couldn't justify $500 for the shirt. It feels like you're paying for much more than the craftsmanship at that point. They sell jackets that cost less than this shirt. Oh well.
Too many clothes coming in, not enough going out
My wife has been rightfully calling me out for the amount of clothing showing up on our doorstep. Since I decided to allow myself to buy nice things again, regardless of my weight, I have been buying a lot of nice things. I donated nearly all of my old Target wardrobe and began replacing them with higher quality basics, and in my infinite wisdom have been buying as if I had to replace my entire wardrobe in one week. I have a large pile of clothes in my office to be listed on Grailed that I haven't gotten around to listing. One major goal of September is to at minimum get all of my resale items posted, even if they don't sell.
If you wanna help me out and save my marriage, I'll be listing old garments on Grailed. I'll have items from Bronson, Raleigh Denim, Vuori, Hiroshi Kato, Jomers (IYKYK), and more.
Returning to Form
Truly, what I want out of September is to just get back to consistency. Gym four times per week, publishing twice a week, actually putting in an effort in my day job, finding time to see friends and be a good husband. Wish me luck.
Other random thoughts
- Engineer boots look so good but I don't feel like I should lean in that hard to the heritage workwear vibe.
- I should get Paraboot Michaels instead.
- I need to set up eBay alerts because I can't afford Michaels.
- I wish Buck Mason were cheaper because I actually like many of their pieces. But for those prices? No way.
- Tobacco & Musk from Ranger Station is so damn good. I wear it every day and I've barely put a dent in the quickdraw roller.
- 10mL rollerballs are the way to go, I'm never buying a full bottle again.
- Dave Brubeck invented prog.
- I need one of those dumbphones that doesn't allow me to play games. But still lets me read Substack and refresh Fidelity all day.
Anyways, thanks for reading.
Chaz
